Isn't Quitting Smoking for Myself Selfish???

IMHO, no. Here's what I believe:

I must quit for myself *first*, rather than quit *for* someone else because, if I quit for someone else, I run a huge risk of setting myself up for a bigtime resentment. If I should happen to slip or relapse it is a quick hop to then blame someone else for my slip or relapse, rather than take responsibility for my action.

I tell myself (falsely, yes, but remember, as a nic addict I suffer from Junkie Thinkin'): "If so and so hadn't done such and such I wouldn't have slipped/relapsed. It's all their fault!"

When demon nic hears me say that he's as happy as a pig in slop!! He's hooked me right back into his clutches, onto one super slippery slope back to smoking. Have I been there?? Yes, I've been there, absolutely!

Here's one example: I direct our church choir. One Easter a female choir member missed the rehearsal where I apologized to everyone for any out-of-the-ordinary curtness/impatience they might witness on my part, urging them not to take it personally, merely to rest assured I would return to my sweet charming self before very long.

Anyway, at the end of the Easter Vigil service, one in which the choir executed their role beautifully, I was taking deep breaths, "coming down," as it were, thanking God for his goodness, basking in the awesome afterglow of a job well done. Said choir member approached me with, "You know, we were pretty worried about you for awhile there (what? what? I'm frantically trying to follow her train of thought, trying to pay attention to her)...that maybe you were heading for a nervous breakdown (what? what? what in heaven's name is she talking about?), cause you get so wigged out every year." I still wasn't able to focus on what the heck she was talking about, and, frankly, mentally dismissed her, as I didn't want to interrupt that awesome afterglow basking.

Well, no matter...nic(otine) was willing to wait. At least he waited til I started driving home...then he began sending niggling thoughts into my head..."how dare C. rain on my parade? What a nerve! I'm really ticked!" Oh, my friends, I bought into nic hook, line, and sinker...how insensitive of her to damage my sensitive ego...sheesh...I worked up such a froth I couldn't get to the mini-mart fast enough, where I threw my money on the counter & lit up faster than who laid the rail.

Now, think about it...I sure the heck didn't hurt C. by relapsing, did I? No. The only person I hurt was myself...she was out there doing life's happy dance while I wallowed in my own miserable self-pity.

What's really sad is that it took me another 9 years of smoking to figure that out. I'm a slooowwwwww learner. (groan)

So if anybody out there is reading this...quit for YOU...please, first and foremost. Queen Mum believed this, too. Your family, friends, co-workers, PETS (!) will reap the side benefits...but you must do it for YOU. Taking care of ourselves first keeps us stronger and healthier so that we can care for others. Many of us were never taught this, but it's merely common sense. We can't give what we don't have.

Feel free to post comments or share similar experiences.

--Still a Grateful Quitter--Mary Ann